


what breaks hearts

by gottalovev



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fix-It of Sorts, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Pining, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Slash, Steve is sorry, not meant as bashing towards either, or at least a start in that direction, tony is too, warning that Tony is still bitter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 16:12:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14429337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gottalovev/pseuds/gottalovev
Summary: Steve expected Tony to be mad, not to ignore him completely.





	what breaks hearts

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so I debated posting this because in the last two years there has been a lot of negativity towards both Tony and Steve, often in the comments of fic, which is sad and I didn't want it on one of mines. I wrote this start of a fix-it right after seeing CA:CW and have been sitting on it since then. It's the last days before it's rendered completely obsolete, huh? So I am tentatively releasing it into the world. And I had a bingo square for "Captain America: Civil War" in my '2018 STONY MCU Bingo' card, so...
> 
> Both of them are sorry and wish things had been different, and I hope it is well conveyed. Emotions are high, though, and there's an argument before it gets better that might be more cathartic for Tony than it is for Steve. Do not read if you think it might upset you.

The collar of Steve's shirt feels tight, even if the whole outfit is perfectly tailored. Itchy, too, and he's tempted to unbutton it. If he starts down that path the uneasiness will only get worse though. 

"You okay, Cap?" Clint asks, appearing at his side. He hands out a glass of soda that has that sticky cherry syrup in the bottom with a small smile. Steve knows enough to know it's a drink for kids and that Clint is teasing, but he takes it anyway.

"Thanks. Just- you know." He shrugs, at a loss for words. 

"Same," Clint says. "Only a couple more hours and we can go back to the compound."

He taps Steve's arm comfortingly, gives him a wink and returns to the bar.

Steve has learned a long time ago that he will never be comfortable in PR operations. He found it awkward in the forties with the USO tour, and it still is now. The occasion doesn't matter: defending his ideals to politicians, damage control, funding for the Avengers, or even when raising funds for a good cause. It might even be harder for charity because Steve has to play nice all evening to people that have a lot of money but are often short on good manners. Especially when they've been drinking all night (if Steve gets 'accidentally' groped one more time, he will make a scene).

It's not that tonight's cause isn't worthy, of course it is. It's one of the most important fundraiser event for the Maria Stark foundation. With the shit show that went down a year and a half before and the Avengers newly put back together, Steve more than owes Tony his presence. 

He still wonders at the fact that they've been welcomed back into the original Avengers team, especially since Tony mostly avoids them. Steve knows Tony's the one who made sure that Steve, Clint, Sam, Scott, Wanda and even Bucky could come back to the United-States. Natasha reappeared two weeks after them and told no one where she'd been in the meantime. They are still adjusting, especially Bucky who is on house arrest with a little squadron of doctors and psychiatrists prodding him extensively. One condition of his acquittal for the Winter Soldier's crimes was an evaluation in order to makes sure Wakanda's therapy has undone the damage by Hydra. Steve knows it worked, Shuri and the doctors over there did a fantastic job.

Tony himself negotiated the deals for their safe returns over Ross' head. He had managed to get them exonerated about not respecting the Accords and in relation to the fiasco in Leipzig's airport. But Tony has also done a very thorough job of spinning the press to clear their names in the public's opinion. It had been a humbling reminder that Tony Stark can always surprise him. That Steve should have trusted him all along. 

There has been a terrible price to pay for that lack of trust though. Rhodes being hurt is up there. A stint on the Raft that Wanda might never get over. Clint and Scott being separated from their families for too long. Splintering the Avengers so bad that Tony often looks at them with confusion, as if he can't believe they wanted to come back. And, what has been the hardest for Steve, losing Tony's friendship. Steve could have dealt with Tony's resentment, worked to clear the air between them if possible, but he'd been met with bored indifference. 

"Your rooms haven't moved," Tony had said with a lazy gesture the first night back at the compound. "Goodnight."

He'd walked for the door, Rhodes on his heels. 

"Where are you going?" Steve had asked, puzzled that Tony was leaving this late. They had a much needed combat exercise planned for the next morning, to learn to move in synch again.

"Home?" Tony had said, frowning. Annoyed at the interruption.

"But… I thought we were putting the Avengers back together?" Steve had asked. That meant Tony with the team, not wherever he lived after selling Avengers Tower. Steve had been sure it was here at the compound where they'd live too.

Tony had huffed. "Don't worry. I have a property close by. Ironman will be here for practice, or in support in case of emergency."

Behind Tony, Rhodes had his arms crossed over his chest. He disapproved of their return, Steve had realized. 

"You're lucky you get that much," Rhodes had said. "Come on, Tones, I've been standing up all day, I need a break."

Tony's cool facade had immediately melted away to concern and guilt.

"Dammit, Rhodey, you promised. Let's go."

And just like that the rest of the Avengers were dismissed, completely ignored, as Tony brought Rhodes to his car and left. 

Ironman showed up for training and fights, and did a fantastic job of it too, as always. But gone was the teasing and the jokes; Tony only made pertinent observations on the situation they were facing, did as he was told without going off script too much, and then left. If Tony hadn't risen the facemask from time to time, Steve would have thought it was a remote controlled armor.

Frankly, it got to everyone. It's not like Tony's sense of humor was gone; no, he definitely quipped occasionally but only to Rhodes, Vision, and Spider-Man. Everyone else got the overly polite Tony Stark with fake smiles that made the hair stand up on Steve's arms.

Steve thought at first that Tony was pissed and resentful, giving them the silent treatment for the Accords and the ill-advised battles that had followed. But a month in Steve had concluded it's not what happened at all. Tony had just erased their names from the 'friend' column and put them in the 'obligatory teammates' one without looking back. It hurt. Steve honestly thought they could build their friendship back up. 

Tonight is their first public event as the re-assembled Avengers, which is why they're all present. Clint and Scott have hung near the bar, and as the less visible members of the team they've mostly been left alone. Vision and Wanda have stuck together, and their obvious difference has also acted as a protection barrier against strangers. 

Fortunately, charming possible donators comes a lot easier to some teammates. Sam is good though he has limited patience for it. Rhodes goes from group to group in his dress uniform – leg braces undetectable if you don't know - with the practice of a high graded officer. Spider-Man, lucky kid, has a permanent excuse to never attend, especially on a school night. And then there are Natasha and Tony. Natasha keeps an air of detachment and danger that draws in men and some women like catnip, particularly if she dresses up as a femme fatale. As for Tony, he steps into people's bubble and cranks the charm to eleven. It works, too. Steve has been observing him do it for years: when Tony smiles and laughs like this, people lean in as if he generates his own gravitational field. 

More than once, before, he'd been right at Tony's elbow as he schmoozed. Tony's targets, once riled in, got caught into thinking they were his sole focus. Enough to forget Steve was there most times unless Tony included him in the conversation. He used to, parading Steve around with a smile, playing up Captain America – _Rule number one, Steve, give them what they think they want. Play up what they think they know of you even if it's a complete lie. It works every time_. But Tony had always known when to let Steve breathe, and those evenings were not so bad. Sometimes even fun.

Tonight, though, Tony has stayed clear of him. There had been a quick salutation to thank them for coming when they arrived, and then nothing. Thankfully Natasha has been at Steve's side on and off all night, usually to rescue him from inane small talk or groping octogenarians. Speaking of the devil, she appears by his elbow, splendid in her blood red dress.

"You look like as if your puppy got drop-kicked," Nat says.

"I hate those things," Steve answers.

"Don't we all," Natasha adds with a shrug.

"Tony's not doing so bad," Steve says, and it comes out resentful.

In fact, Tony seems to be doing great. He's been talking and laughing with T'Challa for at least half an hour, way longer than Tony normally gives a prospect donator. Steve guesses the King of Wakanda merits a special treatment, being the richest man in the world and a superhero on top. Steve sure owes T'Challa a heavy debt himself, for harboring the rogue Avengers and helping Bucky when they were at their most helpless. In the seventeen months he spent in and out of Wakanda, Steve learned to know the man, whom he respects a lot. They never grew close, but they were friendly. T'Challa is extremely smart, charismatic, but also reserved and cool unless he's with family. 

Right now, though, he is clearly enthralled by Tony, leaning in to better hear what he has to say. He laughs, too, throwing his head back when it generally takes a lot for a full grin. A rich King isn't immune to the Stark charm, then. And Tony… well Tony looks just as fascinated, his answering laughs the most genuine happiness Steve has seen since before the war. It hits Steve, suddenly, that Tony has not even smiled at him since he came back. And it burns. 

Tony gestures for a waiter, but instead of taking a drink off the tray, he's grabbing a napkin before sending the young guy on his way. He then pats the front of his suit, frowning, but T'Challa produces a pen from his own breast pocket. Tony lights up like Christmas morning, takes a moment to admire the pen – probably a very expensive one – but then he's scribbling on the napkin. Not ten seconds in T'Challa is hunched over, pointing at whatever Tony's doing. Engineering maybe. 

"Careful, you're gonna break that glass," Sam says and Steve startles badly. He hadn't even noticed that Natasha had left and Sam replaced her.

He feels his cheeks heating. "What is it, you've got a rotation in place to check on me?"

"Maybe. What if we do?" Sam says, tilting his head. 

"It's just a charity event. I've done tons, I'm fine."

"No doubt," Sam says, making a placating gesture. "It's the staring at Stark like you're dying of thirst that is worrying."

"I don't-" _like him like that_. The enormity of the lie he's about to say makes Steve clamp his jaw shut. "I'm not dying of thirst."

"Uh huh," Sam mocks. "And you're getting a little green, too. Please don't pick a fight with T'Challa for Tony's affections. I'm pretty sure you'd lose; he's pretty badass, for a dude who dresses in a cat suit."

Steve doesn't understand why Sam is saying that. Tony and T'Challa are just talking shop, probably about something awesome and revolutionary, right? But then Steve sees how Tony reaches for T'Challa's forearm and leaves his fingers resting there. How T'Challa doesn’t shake him off, and it's true: Steve feels jealousy squirm in his gut. Tony used to touch _him_ like that, before. Steve hadn't really caught on, always slow figuring things like that (and Bucky laughs and laughs in the distance), but looking back it's obvious. 

He had once captured Tony Stark's interest right back. But he doesn't have it anymore, and Steve misses it like a phantom limb. When they first met and butted head on the hellicarrier, it was mostly misguided animosity, true. But by the time they ate shawarma post Chitauri battle, they'd started to know one another. Tony was right in Siberia, he was Steve's friend, even though he confessed the occasional urges to punch Steve the teeth. Not that Steve could begrudge him that, as he used to be frustrated by Tony's attitude all the time, too. 

There's no place to even feel like that anymore, though, not with their sanitized interactions.

"He still likes you, Cap," Sam says, patting his arm.

"I don't think so," Steve finally voices. 

"He can't be mad forever."

"Mad I could deal with," Steve admits. Even hate means there are at least feelings, and those can be dealt with. "He just doesn't care anymore."

And that's the real opposite of love or friendship: indifference. 

Sam scoffs. "Stark isn't able to not care. If anything, he cares too much. But he's a good actor, I'll give you that."

Steve was sure of that, too. That Tony was just giving him the cold shoulder. That he'd mellow out in time. The bored facade had to be a defense mechanism because he'd been hurt so much.

"I've got to say, Steve, I'm disappointed in you," Sam says, elbowing him in the ribs playfully. "He throws himself at you for years and you never react, but as soon as he plays hard to get you're all over that."

"He never did that, and that's not what's going on," Steve hisses. "Shut up."

"Please. Stark had 'smitten' written all over him every time you interacted."

Could it be that it was obvious? 

"He was with Pepper," Steve says. 

Tony flirts, as evidenced _right now_ when he leans into T'Challa, offers him a brilliant smile. But it's rarely to get results. It's just because charming people is an easy way for him to interact. Sure, he used to smile at Steve, and would stand just a little too close. But it had no intent. At least none that registered.

"He was, of course. Would have done nothing unless he was single. But he also had a crush on you the size of the moon, everyone could see that." Sam sigh, shakes his head. "It probably explains why he took your falling out so bad."

Bile rises in Steve's throat because Sam doesn't know. Steve told him that Tony came in Siberia to help, but that they had argued again. That it had degenerated into a fight that blasted Bucky's arm off (Sam had been appalled, and Steve felt like an eel not saying _why_ ). Steve told no one about the video, how Tony was sucker-punched by hurt. And then wounded even more when Steve admitted he knew. God, it's been a year and a half and Steve still feels terrible about that. No wonder Tony can't seem to get over it either.

Steve never had the opportunity to talk it out with Tony. No, that's not true. Tony did everything to avoid him, and that particular talk he's sure, but Steve never insisted either. The closest Steve came to apologizing is the letter and the phone. Phone that Tony never used. Did he even read the letter? The mere idea that Tony maybe didn't even read those words - so inadequate, after everything - makes Steve almost panic. How can Tony forgive him if he doesn't know Steve is sorry?

"Jesus, Steve, you are white as a sheet," Sam says, a comforting hand on his arm.

"Fuck." Steve barely gets the word out, throat tight. "Fuck, Sam, I screwed up so bad."

"Look, it takes two to tango-" Sam says.

"No, you don't get it. Tony came to help, in Siberia." God, he had, after everything, after Rhodes. Against the Accords, and as soon as he knew Steve needed help. He's thought about that so many times.

"I know," Sam says, slowly. "I told him where. And then he turned on you."

"No, no, that's not what happened," Steve says, hunching his shoulders. It's time to come clean, Rogers. "He really was there to help. And then Zemo showed him. I knew, and I had never told him, but then-"

"Whoa whoa whoa, slow down, buddy," Sam says, steering Steve towards a window where there are lots of plants, so they are out of the way and have more privacy. "Zemo did what?"

"I learned, years ago when SHIELD fell, in the bunker with Nat, I learned more about the Winter Soldier. What Hydra had done."

"Yeah, big old mess. Not Bucky's fault, we all know that."

"Of course. I- It was hinted he was behind Howard's death." So heavily hinted.

"Howard… Howard Stark? Tony's father?" Sam says, eyebrow rising. "Damn. And he still helped you find Bucky?"

"I didn't tell him." God, this looks so bad. It is so bad.

Sam blanches. "You knew the Winter Soldier had probably killed his father, and you didn't tell him? And used his resources to find him still?"

"That's not how it went, I was not taking advantage of Tony," Steve says. Oh god, he did. That was not his intention, but that's what happened anyway. "I thought I was sparing Tony of hurting more. It's bad enough losing your parents to an accident, and it was a long time ago-"

"Fuck, Steve," Sam says, hand on his mouth. "Who are you to decide for him? Wouldn't you want to know?"

"I know, I fucked up. And then Zemo showed him-" Steve feels as if he will be sick.

"Zemo showed him what?" Sam is frowning. 

"A video. Buck- The Winter Soldier. Making the car crash. Killing his parents, right there. It was horrible. The look on his face-"

"Jesus Christ! Tony saw his parents get murdered by a car crash?"

"Worse. Howard… Howard got out and he- then… fuck. And his mother was worse, I can't- I can't even imagine. Tony-"

"He watched it happen?" Sam looks completely appalled.

"Yeah."

"With Bucky right there?"

"Yeah."

"What did he do?"

"He asked me if I knew." Tony didn't fly off the handle right there. No. What really set him off is when he learned Steve had kept it from him. 

"He didn't take it well, I presume."

"He wanted to kill Bucky. Tried over and over again. I had to stop him, Bucky is innocent. So we fought, and I disabled the suit." Steve shivers, thinking of the fear on Tony's face as he brought down the shield that last time. He really believed Steve would hurt him. "And then we left. He asked for the shield, said his father made it, so I gave it to him and we left."

"In Siberia, where no one knew he was because he went there to help you against the very Accord he advocated. You left him there with a busted suit, to help your best friend escape while knowing he killed both of his parents years ago." 

Sam is looking at him as if he doesn't know him anymore. Frankly Steve wonders if even know who he is himself. Fuck. Yes, it was bad. So bad. 

"Yes. I had to get Bucky safe."

Sam whistles, low and sarcastic. "Wow. Just wow. And you wonder why the guy won't talk to you."

"I get it," Steve says. He does. 

Sam is looking at Tony with a new understanding.

"And yet, after everything, he got us _and Bucky_ exonerated. Took us back on the Avengers."

"He's a good man."

"You know what," Sam says, looking Steve up and down. "Let him be, give him the space he clearly needs. It might not stay like this forever, I hope it gets better between you two, but it's his call."

With that Sam turns and goes to the bar, with Clint and Scott. Sam should tell them what he just learned, but probably won't. He's right, Steve should leave Tony alone. He might not deserve Tony's forgiveness or his friendship right now, but Steve sure as hell is overdue for a proper apology.

It can't wait another second. Steve wishes alcohol worked on him, because he needs a stiff one, right about now. He takes a deep breath, straightens up and walks right to Tony. 

Either it's the expression on his face, or it's just that Steve walks over with determination, because Tony does a double take and immediately scans the room. Steve can see the shimmer on his glasses as he looks for a threat. 

"Is something wrong, Captain?" T'Challa asks, also hyper vigilant.

"No, no, nothing, I'm sorry to interrupt you." Honestly, Steve is not sorry at all. He takes hold of Tony's elbow so he won't run away, as he always does these days. "I just need to talk to Tony." Steve nudges, trying to guide him towards the doors leading to the patio.

Maybe it's because he's taken by surprise, but Tony comes along. As soon as they are outside, the door closed behind them, Tony shakes him off.

"What's going on?" He asks. "FRIDAY detects no threat, what did you see?"

"There's nothing, I swear," Steve says. "I just needed to talk to you?"

Tony's eyebrows shoot up. "Talk to me." 

"Did you read my letter? The one with the phone."

Steve knows it comes from nowhere, and at this is probably not the time. Scratch that, it's definitely not the time and if possible, Tony's eyebrows climb higher. "Are you serious? You want to talk about this now? A year and a half later?"

"Yes. I should have done it long ago, but you avoided me-" Steve says, stumbling over his words.

"And you see that for once I'm having a good time," Tony says, gesturing towards the ballroom and presumably T'Challa. "You know, with someone who seems to genuinely enjoy my company-" Definitely T'Challa. "And what goes to through your head is to wonder if I read a letter you sent eighteen months ago? And you have to ask me right the fuck _now_?"

Yeah, Steve fucked up again. But they are here, and he needs to know. 

"Out of place, I know. But did you?"

Tony crosses his arms over his chest, face shutting off. 

"I read it."

Something uncoils in Steve at that even if he sees the wall go up all around Tony. At least he read it.

"What a piece condescending trash. Seriously."

"What?" Steve blinks, thrown off.

"You want a breakdown?" Tony asks. "Okay, Cap, here we go. I'm glad you're back at the compound. I don't like the idea of you rattling around a mansion by yourself." He's taken a deeper voice, mocking seriousness, that Steve supposes is him, before he switches back to his regular tone to continue. Tony taps a finger on the side of his face, as if he's pondering the words. "No, no, I'm not rattling around the mansion by myself. I'm at the compound with a silent Vision and my crippled friend. That's so awesome." His eyes are furious when he catches Steve gaze. "And since when do you worry about my well being? Never. That was my first clue this was a pile of horseshit."

"That's-" Steve tries to speak up. Of course he worried, and he cares, how can Tony even think otherwise? But Tony interrupts him and continues to recite the letter doing voices.

"We all need family. The Avengers are yours, maybe more so than mine." He uncrosses his arms for this, points at Steve. A hand up is, for Tony, an aggressive move in itself. "There were no Avengers left, jackass, you took away the only family I've had in 25 years! Even if I begged that we had to stay together!"

That hits Steve hard, because he did. He left Tony with basically no one to watch his back. 

"Save from Pepper and Rhodey, of course. Whom I had before. But hey." Tony adds, before he continues. He shoves his hands in his pockets, at least. Trying to reign in his temper, maybe. "Blah blah, been on my own since I was 18. I never really fit in anywhere, even in the army, oh, look at that, me neither! But, boo hoo, Tony, don't be a drama queen that doesn't count, you are rich, no one cares. Poor Steve, though, man out of time, that's what important here. Please tell me more."

Attacking with words is something Tony does when he's hurt. But what he's saying is kind of true. It sounds as if Steve was trying to make this about himself. Not his intent, he wanted to give an explanation, but clearly it didn't work.

"My faith's in people, I guess. Individuals." Tony stops right there. Pauses, for a long second where Steve should say something, but he can't. Probably satisfied he's not going to be interrupted, Tony continues. "Let me list those magical individuals. You are a worthy individual. Yes. You, Captain America, are the only person to have a worthy opinion. Only you are right, God forbid whole countries might have a say on world security issues." 

Steve opens his mouth to reply because that's not what he meant when he took the position against the Accords. He meant the Avengers, as a group, not him. But Tony is barreling on.

"Oh, and yes, your unwavering faith in a brainwash assassin, that you believe in so much you start a war over, let's not forget that. But hey."

"Bucky-" 

Tony snarls. "Shut up. Let me say this, I'm on a roll here. You wanted to know if I read your damn letter? I read it."

Steve shuts his mouth, and he clinches his jaw not to say a word; he can at least give Tony that.

The impressions are back because Tony is theatrical when he wants to. "And I'm happy to say that, for the most part, they haven't let me down. Which is why I can't let them down either. Locks can be replaced, but maybe they shouldn't." Tony smiles, but it's mean, it slices right through Steve. "Which, yeah, I get why you'd want them out. They broke the law for you. Went to prison for you. Of course, the law means nothing for Steve Rogers, it's just your conscience that is worth something, so you had to break them out. Of course. Let's get everyone who breaks the law under your order out of prison and never put any locks back."

That's not fair. The Raft was terrible, and they didn't deserve to be there. Steve clenches his fists. He will never be sorry he broke them out, never.

"And now for the good part, my favorite." Tony takes a deep breath, mimics being contrite. "I know I hurt you, Tony. I guess I thought by not telling you about your parents I was sparing you, but I can see now that I was really sparing myself, and I'm sorry." It's abundantly clear that Tony has not received that well. "Really? What does that even mean? What I hear is I am sorry you felt hurt while I tried to spare myself. That's it. I didn't mean for you to be hurt, Tony. Ooops." He makes big round pleading eyes. If Steve wasn't horrified at the whole mess, he'd be impressed at the delivery. How many times did Tony read the letter, to know it by heart like this? When did the words get twisted like that, to convey the exact opposite that Steve meant to say? "Hopefully one day you can understand. Oh my god, yes, I understood right away. Your way is the only way, the rest is collateral damage. Always."

Frankly, this is a train wreck and Steve is absolutely powerless to make it stop. 

"I wish we agreed on the Accords, I really do. I know you're doing what you believe in, and that's all any of us can do. That's all any of us should..." Tony has risen his eyebrows. "Well thank you, I really needed you to assure the validity of my opinions. You are doing what you believe in, Tony, but it's so, so wrong. Fuck you and the high horse you ride on." He spits out.

At least there's only a couple of lines left. 

"And then, the sweet finale. I think I was supposed to be grateful at that." He clears his throat. "So no matter what, I promise you, if you need us - if you need me - I'll be there." He pauses, scoffs, shaking his head. "Ha fucking ha. Yes, sure, come on, Tony, if you are in a pinch, please call so all of these people who used to mean so much to you can get caught and risk getting thrown back in prison. We'll help you clean your messes. We should have been there, but oops, my bad, we're fugitives and in Africa at the moment." He points at Steve's chest again, even connects with a sharp jab. "I didn't need your help in case of problems, Steve. I needed my friends, you, with me as I dealt with those fucking Accords. I needed an united front to be able to negotiate something workable. But no, you fucking left me, on my own, to deal with all the bullshit you left behind." 

Tony is all but vibrating with outrage and hurt, rocking back on his heels now that he's done. He's looked at him in the eyes throughout, watching the punches land on Steve, never wavering. Clearly, he's bottled that up for a long time. Eighteen months, says a little voice. 

"Too long, don't read," he adds, after a second of silence, smirking. It's not amused, it's self-depreciating. "Yeah, I read your letter. And if that's all you wanted to know on this fine evening, I'd kindly ask you to fuck off because I don't have anything to say to you anymore."

Steve is stuck there, frozen, because this is so much worse than he thought. He's being dismissed, and he should at least let Tony have that victory, but he can't move.

"I'm sorry," he says. His voice is raw, the words barely get out. He's so sorry for everything.

"So you've said. Now get." 

The previous outburst is the most emotion he's seen from Tony in the five weeks since they came back. But the shutters are going up again, and there's no way that he'll ever take Tony's dismissal as indifference anymore. As Sam said, if anything Tony feels too much.

"I never intended-"

"Please, can we not? This is exhausting," Tony interrupts, hands on his face. "You said you're sorry, done, let's just-" Not even Tony can say a platitude like 'pretend it never happened' or 'get over it', so he stops.

"But you don't believe I mean it," Steve insists. "I'm so sorry, for how much I hurt you, how I let you down, how I wasn't there when you needed me. I wish-"

"If wishes were horses, beggars would ride," Tony interrupts again. "Please, don't delude yourself. You'd do it all over again, deliberately, if it meant saving Bucky."

"No, no," Steve says, sharing his head. "I'd do so much differently. Do you think I wanted to see you hurt? To break the team? To make you hate me so much?"

Tony scoffs. "Hate. Seriously, as if I could ever hate you. I wish I could, and boy did I try."

God. Words shouldn't be able to do harm and good at the same time, it's like a whiplash. 

"You'd think dreaming night after night for months about you brining that shield do-" Tony stops himself, but it's enough to rattle. Not only he hurt Tony then, it continued after. After a deep breath, Tony continues, "I'm so fucked up in the head, not even that changes that the reason you could hurt me so much is because I trusted you. I believed I could count on you, that you were safe. But hey, you broke my heart with that shield. Good imagery. Surely dad would have said I deserved it."

"No." Steve barks out. "No, you didn't deserve it. Fuck, Tony, no. It's on me."

"Please, don't play martyr on top or I'll blast you in the face," Tony says with a sigh. He has his bleeding edge watch, he could do it. "Look, I'm not blameless in all of this, and I know it. Mistakes were made, on both sides. I am still convinced the Accords were a good thing, you are still wrong about how they were not. But I think we can both agree that if shit hadn't hit the fan with Aunt Peggy's death and then Zemo being a scumbag asshole, maybe we could have sat down and discussed it like adults. Which we didn't, or not enough. I went after you and the others when it was either that or you guys having a target forever painted on your backs, and even then I could have explained it more. And yeah, I flipped with the video-" his voice wavers.  
"I get it. Why you went after Bucky and why you were so mad at me, I do," Steve says. 

"And you were protecting your friend, I get that too. I don't even totally blame him anymore, I told him that."

"You spoke with Bucky?" That's the first he hears of it. Steve immediately worries about how that went. Why didn't Bucky say anything? It must have been terrible, for both of them. 

"Huh. Yes, twice. I was sure he told you. I can't say we're good, but it's a work in progress. If you could tell him to stop with the puppy dog eyes, though, I'd appreciate it. He almost makes me feel guilty."

Steve scoffs. "If he caught on, he won't stop, he's a little shit like that. But _he_ feels guilty though. All the time."

Bucky is a constant ball of guilt and grief. It's atrocious. 

"And I'm working through accepting that with my therapist," Tony says. "I feel guilty because the people I wanted to protect died from my weapons, then by Ultron, or whatever else. Barnes was the fucking weapon, against his will. It must be God-awful, I can rationally admit that. But he still strangled my mom, and that just won't disappear, not for now, I can't."

"Of course." They've gone from Tony doing a scene to discussing like mostly functional adults. Maybe they could do even better. "Is there something I could do, to help with what I've done?"

"What?" Tony asks, looking confused.

"Maybe we could talk about it, but with someone to help, you know, so we don't lose our temper." He'd suggest Sam, who'd be great at it but he probably would not seem impartial enough.

Tony smirks, and for the first time it's actual amusement. Steve didn't know he'd missed that smile directed at him so much before he had it. 

"Are you suggesting couple's therapy?"

Not exactly how Steve would have called it, but anything to keep that smile a little longer. And opening a real conversation would be great. 

"Couldn't hurt?"

Tony hums. "It does have all of the air of a divorce, where I got the house and you kept most of the kids."

Steve smiles tentatively. "And we're trying to make it work again."

"You left me for a younger, prettier man, though. A classic."

"But I never stopped loving you," Steve says with sincerity. More than Tony would ever guess. "You have to believe that."

"Jeez," Tony says with a sigh. "Look at me. Ready to cave at the first sign of good will."

"Think of the children, Tony," Steve says, making eyes and looking as contrite as he can.

Miracle of miracle, Tony laughs. "You are a menace."

It's like Steve is warming up from the inside, and he can't resist, he takes two steps towards Tony and hugs him. 

"What the hell!" Tony says, but he hugs back. "Don't think for a second I'm not mad at you anymore!"

"I know, I know," Steve says. He's elated though. "But we'll work on it?"

Tony sighs deeply before a last squeeze and letting go. "We'll work on it."

"That's all I ask for. Full disclosure, there's stuff I won't apologize for. Hurting you yes, but not all I did, and what I stand for."

Weirdly that seems to make Tony relax. "And that's the bullheaded Cap we all know and love. Good thing, I was thinking clone or personality swap."

"I'm sorry I didn't try to talk before," Steve says.

"I maybe should not have let it fester this long," Tony says, shrugging. "Maybe."

"We will really do this right?" Steve says. "Therapy? It's important to me."

"Yes, okay," Tony says, leading the way to the ballroom again. "Now let's raise some money while this party is still going."

They've been out for quite a bit, and T'Challa is now with Natasha, bent over a tablet where guests pledge their donations. Tony looks briefly disappointed, but he rapidly turns around and goes to another group, smile back in place. Good, Steve thinks uncharitably, that was enough flirting for one night. He's jealous, completely aware of it, and not one bit sorry he's being petty. Not when he has Tony talking to him again.

"What's going on?" Sam asks when Steve joins him at the bar and orders a scotch on the rock. Won't work, but he feels like having one anyway, it's been an emotional night. 

"I talked with Tony," Steve says. Then amends, "he bit my head off."

"You fucking weirdo," Sam mutters, gesturing the barman for a scotch too. 

"Why?" Steve asks, confused.

"You said that with the biggest smile on your face, that's why." 

Steve laughs. "Yeah, maybe. He cares after all."

"Of course he does," Sam says, shaking his head. "You guys will kiss and make up, right?"

Steve turns, leaning on the bar and looking at Tony, who's making the rounds again. Their eyes meet and Tony gives him an almost smile, probably involuntary, but there nonetheless before he turns away.

"Yeah. Working on that," Steve says, hiding his smile behind his glass. "That's definitely the plan."

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> In the comments I would prefer not dwelling on Civil War discourse, please! (meaning I don't want to play the blame game, or see harsh judgement on either of them. Let them be human and flawed, please, it's one of the reasons I love them). 
> 
> I saw a quote from Marty Rubin that said:
> 
> “It's indifference that breaks hearts, not love.” 
> 
> and I derived my title from it. 
> 
> I can be found on [Tumblr](http://gottalovev.tumblr.com/). New friends and asks are always welcome, come and say hi! :)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading =D


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